Spider Bite

My son did not develop any superpowers after the spider bite. Still, we had to let out his pants to make room for his new spinnerets.

V

You know the ‘V’s in ancient Roman spellings engraved on some buildings? Yeah, I like to avdibly pronovnce those.

Shriners' Convention

What would really lighten up this Shriners’ Convention is a Fez Dispenser.

My Wife

My wife ran out in just her T-shirt & undies to chase the birds out of our fig tree.

Census Update:

Birds: -6
Creepy male neighbors: +3

Saddest Point

I think the saddest point in the party is when you inform everybody that your real birthday is not for another couple of months.

This Club

Hmph. Obviously, the first rule of THIS club is to exclude me as a member.

If I Had A Dollar

If I had a dollar for every time I heard, "Check's in the mail"... I'd have nothing, since it probably would be sent via check in the mail.