Birthday

Today is the birthday I have always shared with Michael Jackson.

This year: More cake for me.

Russian?

Russian?

No, I’m taking my time.

Finnish?

I told you, I was taking my time!

The Fugitive

What gets little or no mention is how overwhelmed the Fugitive must’ve felt when he first had to search for the “Two-Armed Man”.

H1N1

Today in the news, the CDC downplays a report on the deadliness of H1N1, calling it only “somewhat deadly”.

Who Me?

Who me? Just turning down collars on mannequins at J. Crew. Oh yeah, and turning around baseball caps on mannequins at Urban Outfitters.

Mother-In-Law

My mother-in-law will be recuperating at our house. She just had eye surgery and the doctor told her to stay off of them for a few days.

Movies

I’m a little behind in my movie-watching. When did they start making noise? I mean, in addition to the lady playing piano in the theater.

Traversing

Traversing the dangerous Amazon Jungle, our intrepid explorer...

Oh, nothing Honey, just weeding the garden.

Traversing the dangerous...

HEY BUDDY

What I said: HEY BUDDY—I DON’T WANNA HAFTA HURT YOU! (What I was thinking: Because as we both know, sir, I probably couldn’t.)

The Doctor

The doctor has given me 4 weeks to live. I’m taking all 4 of them in the year 2082. Jet Packs!

Delayed Shuttle Launch

Another delayed shuttle launch? C’mon guys, this ain’t rocket science.

Overheard

Overheard: Even with a tutor, he couldn’t avoid being placed on academic probation at Clown College.

Superpower Update

Superpower Update: When I make a presentation to my colleagues, I’ve been told I possess the ability to make time stand still.

Sexting

Looking into this sexting thing, but I can’t find five other people to do it with.

Patience

If you take all the patience I possess and pour it into a thimble, you'd still have room in there for a Buick.

Personality Test

I was made to take a personality test at work. Apparently, the results came back negative.

Padded Toilet Seat

Another run-in with a padded toilet seat on a humid day. Hope there is no expiration date on those ‘50% Off’ skin-graft coupons.

At The Mall

At the Mall: Excuse me ma’am. Do you find that your 5” heels set you apart from the other customers, the salespeople, your grandchildren?

Flexibility Training

At Jiu-Jitsu: Hmmm. Before this flexibility training, I was never able to turn my arm that way. What? Oh. MEDIC!

Second Thoughts

Having second thoughts about sending my 11yo son to Maine for a week. For example, are 8 air-holes in the top of the crate sufficient?

Thanks Guys

Thanks guys, but I think the flashing lights and sirens were a little excessive just to commemorate the fact that I was woken up at 4am.

"Uncle!"

I wonder why people who are surrendering in pain always yell, “Uncle!” Kind of gives me the creeps.

Recycling Bags

My wife puts full recycling bags right outside the door where I can trip over them. This, the female version of leaving the toilet seat up.

Block Party!

Block Party! Where LOUD disco music at 11pm is the only thing that can drown out the sound of me banging my head against the dresser.

Old Fling

Claire Voyant was a girl I used to go out with in High School. We broke up because she couldn’t see any future in the relationship.

Sensitive Documents

Shredding these sensitive documents would go a lot faster if I didn’t have to listen to them whine and cry so much.

Dr. Jekyll

In most situations, I am Dr. Jekyll. However, once I feel threatened by someone, you bet I turn into Mr. Hide.

Reaction

In retrospect, I shouldn't have been surprised at the reaction when I responded, "Don't talk about my Mom--she's a grand ol' gal!"

Sing It!

Iclid, Euclid, we Allclid for geometry!

That Bug

If that bug were any larger, it could star in it’s own horror movie. In any event, I will still miss the cat dearly.