Modern Science

Modern science must find a way to harness the energy of that woman’s orange hair & yellow outfit in order to...power the state of Nebraska, perhaps?

Math

Math eludes me. I still think sine and cosine are what are required to obtain a loan.

Weather Report

With humidity approaching 200% in the northeast, I have put in a purchase for an Aqualung.

Jiu-Jitsu Adventures

When the Jiu-Jitsu instructor asked for suggestions for the 3rd set(!) of warm-up exercises, I nominated calisthenic weeping.

Break Wind

Break wind? You, my friend, can break steel.

Technology

That’s right, no form of serious technology eludes me. Now excuse me as I prepare to replace the flapper-thingy in the upstairs toilet.

Sports News

And in sports news, Mets Assist. GM challenged a bunch of his minor leaguers to a fight. Several took swings. All predictably missed.

Shower

Of course I'm naked--it's a shower isn't it? Well, as long as I'm here, I might as well hug the bride-to-be.

Thinking

I seem to do my best thinking in the shower. Which is why I am standing here at work naked and holding a bar of soap.

Riddle

Q: What is radioactive and should not be touched at all costs?

A: Apparently, this empty milk carton in the refrigerator. Sheesh.

Seize the day

Seize the day, people! Uh, you might want to loosen up your grip a little. It's not like you're going to get milk from that thing.

I'd Take To Wearing A Codpiece (complete series)

I'd take to wearing a codpiece...
but I hate the way the entrails feel when they roll down my leg.


I'd take to wearing a codpiece...
just so I can look down in my lap and say, "Hiya, chum!".


I'd take to wearing a codpiece...
but I don't like theGET AWAY FROM ME YOU STUPID CATS!


I'd take to wearing a codpiece...
but I don't like theGET AWAY FROM ME YOU STUPID SHARKS!


I'd take to wearing a codpiece...
but there's no more at the store (I wait with baited breath for the next shipment).

English paradox

English paradox: The terms “pitch in” and “help out” mean the same thing but appear to be going in opposite directions.

Costco Riddle

Costco Riddle: What has 4 wheels, metal basket & body parts of a slow-footed shopper? The 5th Amendment says I don't have to tell you.

Tattoo

Nervous about the new tattoo. It's not just that they have to rub REAL hard with the stick, but they also have to lick your arm first.

Facebook Quiz

Just took the Facebook "What Beast Of Burden Are You?" quiz. Guess what, I'm a jackass. Probably for taking the quiz in the first place.

Some people

Some people seem to dress self-consciously. I seem to dress un-consciously.