No Problem, Ma'am

No problem ma'am. I will summon all of my shoppin-cart driving skills to maneuver around your very large a--Spill in Aisle 7!

Old clothes, etc.

Old clothes. Used furniture. Toys. Man, there's not even 1 yard at this sale.

Overqualified?

Given 11 years of college and 2 degrees, is there any chance of me working this packing tape without getting it stuck in my arm hair?

Ever try to flick a bug off

Ever try to flick a bug off and have it explode? Ever wish you could do that to a person? Yep, all life is sacred, 'cept the flick-worthy.

Branded

I found out what a branded cow feels like once I put on the wire-framed sunglasses that were kept in a hot car. Related: AAAAIIIIEEEE!!!!

"Danger Will Robinson!"

"Danger Will Robinson!" That's fun to shout out loud sometimes. Although, apparently not in a stall in a crowded mens room.

Virginia

I ask, if "Virginia is for lovers", then what does that make Virginia? Certainly not one of the "nice girls".

Awards

Son won 4 awards @ graduation. And since we eschew long-term contracts for year-to-year agreements, he's safe thru 2010.

Calamity at the Hibachi Steak House

Calamity at the Hibachi Steak House: Chef's new cleaver trick not as polished as mgmt. would have hoped. Upside: Free drinks for the table!

Father's Day

This Father's Day take a sec to look at that quiet, cowering guy sitting in the corner and lovingly say, "You still here, old man?"

Zicam

So really, spraying Zicam into my nose can stop me from smelling? Well that'll come as a big relief to all the OTHER people in this train.

Today's forecast

Today's forecast: Rain again, but only a slight chance of lightning, high winds or hail. So, kids...let's get out there and play some ball!

Special Day

This past Saturday was Manga Carta Day? 'Bout time those wonderful Japanese animators get the recognition they deserve. What?

There Oughta Be A Law

Dog urine is gross, too. I say, establish a "Wet-Vac" law. Too cumbersome? I will be passing out turkey-basters to potential violators.

Too Quick

He: You're too quick. Me: Why, yes, I do fancy myself as clever. He: No, I mean stand still. I'm trying to punch you.

Their Time Has Gone

Their time has gone: Nothing is "Whack" anymore and Crocs are no longer legitimate footwear options for men.

That Horse

"That horse came out of nowhere!" Non sequitariat.

My Crappy Superpower

Ability to attract metal into one's body. Like bullets and stuff.

Mac Heads

You Mac-heads are nothing but sheep. Unrelated: Anyone know how to extract one's foot from a slightly bashed-in Dell CPU?

Studies Show

Studies show: The traffic light will turn green just as the elderly person crosses the midpoint of the front bumper. Corollary: They make snazzy hood ornaments.

Gardening

Today I actually went out and found SELF-PLANTING flowers. Nah, just kidding. I haven't even gotten off of the couch.

Saying

Well, you know what they say..."When life gives you lemmings, point the way to the nearest coast".

Tired

Tired. Borderline incoherent. Feel like I'm trying to walk through maple syrup. Mmmmm, maple syrup. What was my point again?

Reminds me of the time...

Yeah, that does remind me of the time when the grammar tutor would go up to the penitentiary for conjugal visits.

Playing Dress-up

DJ at party made me and 2 other guys dress up as the B-52s. It was depressing. I wanted to be Kate.

New Policy

You know, once hotels changed their policy on putting their names on towels, I changed my policy on stealing them.

Palookaville

Wow, this Palookaville is a real nice place. No wonder no one buys a round-trip ticket.