Overheard in the boardroom: If

Overheard in the boardroom: If I put as much effort into working as I do into avoiding it, I could be CEO of this failing co.

Blog Catalog rated

Blog Catalog rated Random Brain Blips a 22 out of 100. I sure hope these are like golf scores (lower=better)--http://bit.ly/2qGEYJ

Bloodwork: Drive. Park. Walk. Forgot

Bloodwork: Drive. Park. Walk. Forgot Rx. Walk. Drive. Get Rx. Drive. Park. Walk. Enter. Wait. Faint. Uhnnn...

I have a plan

I have a plan to reduce the stray population in my neighborhood: Cat Condoms. The whole idea breaks down, however, when you try to enlist volunteers for the application process.

Button seen on train today:

Button seen on train today: "What would Michelle (Obama) do?" I don't know.

Tortoises

Tortoises could become the "perfect pet" if they learn to 1) grow fur and 2) clean their own poop out of their tanks.

Pro-Midget Arena Dodgeball

...picked up by FoxSports for the Fall season.

I can't wait until shaved

I can't wait until shaved heads go out of fashion, just to see what balding men do next to compensate.

When you start actually wishing

When you start actually wishing there were more days in the work-week to get things done, it's probably time to start packing it in.

At work today, I feel

At work today, I feel like a hamster on a treadmill--although, I could use some more seeds and pellets.

Chuck E. Cheese

Chuck E. Cheese is like a crack-house for little kids. Just 1 look into their little, dilated pupils will tell you as much.

I just read that YouTube

I just read that YouTube has been outlawed in China. How will they ever live without videos of skateboarding squirrels?

With no new Twitter followers,

With no new Twitter followers, I am actually yearning for the spammy ones...

If Danny Bonaduce

If Danny Bonaduce never pretended to sing and play bass on TV at age 9, he'd be just another drunken schmo.

Once Again

Once again, I am typing at the computer with my back turned on American Idol-- physically and metaphorically.

I don't know why

I don't know why religious types call Big Love "immoral". Name 1 guy from the Old Testament who didn't have more than 1 wife.

After all these years, I

After all these years, I still can't get over the fact that Donny Osmond considered himself "A little bit rock 'n' roll".

A Daily News reader writes:

A Daily News reader writes: "We own AIG, fire 'em all!" I agree except for Bob in the mailroom. He can stay. For now.

Just received notice

Just received notice that my long-awaited CD from Amazon.com has finally been shipped. Now, if I can only remember who I bought it for.

2 more "spam followers" on

2 more "spam followers" on Twitter. Well, at least I know where I will receive my new laptops from.

New horror movie double feature

New horror movie double feature idea: Zombie Squirrels of Central Park w/ Devil Pigeons of--well-- Practically Anywhere.

I am aghast (but not

I am aghast (but not wholly unsurprised) to learn that my daughter hired an actor to play me at the Father-Daughter Brunch.

Let me clarify

Let me clarify, lest I feel the wrath of the Hollister attorneys. At no time were the bottoms of my feet ever clubbed.

Buzzer went off and was

Buzzer went off and was detained in Hollister. Real "Midnight Express" moment.

Looking around in the mall,

Looking around in the mall, I see that I'm grossly underdressed. Then again, I didn't wear pants.

Looks like a beautiful day

Looks like a beautiful day outside. Let's go to the mall for some re-circulated air!

On the air

On the air: that creepy Old Navy commercial with the mannequins. I am having Twilight Zone flashbacks

No web access here

No web access here. What am I, in a lead box or something?

Looking for the "perfect shoes"

Looking for the "perfect shoes"? Why--do you have the perfect feet?

It's snowing!

It's snowing! Jeez, isn't today supposed to be the first day of Spring? Must be that Daylight Savings Time screwing things up...

I just saw an ad

I just saw an ad on my Facebook page re: youth wrestling. I'm interested--the only opponents I can probably beat in a match are kids.

It's disconcerting

It's disconcerting that I am getting "Following" notices from people who are later removed from Twitter for "strange activity"...

Extremists will finally destroy

Extremists will finally destroy our country by having all the great minds focused on creating Science Fair projects.

I believe you might

I believe you might be able to write off those acne treatments. But just to be sure, check with your taxidermist.

I wonder why

I wonder why those who choose to dart across the street against the light are ones who lack the speed of Olympic track stars.